Memorial

There was a promise. Forever.
Through all the tears, through all the arguments.
Forever, we would face life together.

But the tears kept spilling
and apologies began to meant nothing.
The urgings, "Hold onto her." meant nothing.

As easily as the promise was made,
it was undone. We would never be forever.
I would never be forever,
only a beggar and whore groveling,
crawling at the feet of men.
My only forever, searching,
seeking, empty handed and my core gaping.

In my heart, I built a memorial to your forevers.
At first, I visited often, weeping, mourning
alone with my self and my fear of a love never to be found.
Wincing at your name, coddling your picture
and any sweet word you ever may have whispered.
I was lost in longing for a lie kept alive in my mind.

Then I became angry, kicking and full of loathing.
I drank, I bled, I screamed.
I wanted to drown in my hate.
Men were my enemy, my body my infantry.
Every contender wore your face
and knew my secrets, dirty and large.
The slaughter meant nothing to quelling my loneliness.

Now I am free from the bondage of my illusion.
My masochism no longer stretches into your arms
and the memorial has been deconstructed.
In its place lies a scar, grooved deep
into the bone of my foundation.
An eternal reminder of our impossible forever.